Ate Too Much, and it Feels Okay

atetoomuchgetdrunk

Oh God, I didn’t realize there was a real issue here. NOW I feel bad.

I ate too much for dinner – tuna salad on a bagel, and a small but very rich brownie. I can tell it’s too much because of the way my stomach feels (believe it or not, I’m 99.9% certain that’s NOT a weird thing to anyone who has ever had an eating disorder – no, we really can’t feel our stomachs, not in the normal way).

And it feels okay, because I’m learning that when I do eat too much, my body tends not to want as much food the following meal or sometimes the entire following day. I think my body actually does balance itself out.

Now to curl up on the bed with a good book until homework time, and to tell my stomach that NO, I’m not sorry this time. Dude, it’s a learning curve. Quit your whining.

A Lightbulb Moment

I read this interesting post today and it gave me a revelation, based on my childhood.

This could have been me - forced to sit at the table crying because I "hadn't eaten enough," then being starved in between. Image: our-life-is-a-blast.blogspot.com

This could have been me – forced to sit at the table crying because I “hadn’t eaten enough,” then being starved in between. Image: our-life-is-a-blast.blogspot.com

I won’t rewrite the entire thought process here, as it was very painful to do the first time, but here’s a copy-and-paste of my response to the post:

This may sound weird coming from a now-210 pound woman, but ever since I can remember I had early satiety (I just didn’t know it was called that – just found out this minute, actually).

As a child I simply couldn’t eat more than a few bites of food at a time. My mother would force-feed me (sometimes literally – I clearly remember my father gripping my hair back and forcing me to gulp down a glass of milk until I vomited, for example).

Then I’d be hungry between mealtimes and I would be refused food so I could “save it up for dinner” – at which time I still couldn’t eat more than a few bites. I just starved in between, and starved overall. I didn’t grow (at all – height or weight) for two years in a row as a child, actually. I think I was malnourished.

When I began eating “for pleasure” I would force more food in so that I could continue the feeling. I turned into a dieter/binger and was very thin until about 10 years ago, when I ballooned.

I seem to have taught myself NOT to know what a feeling of fullness is…and now that I’m attempting intuitive eating I find I try to put more food in anyway (just like with binging) because I have a vague feeling that “I don’t know when I’ll get another bite.”

Lightbulb moment.

Two Days Post-Binge and Still Feeling Horrible

Oh my GOD, have I always felt this way after a binge and just ignored it? Or had my stomach gotten used to non-binge-size meals/snacks and this one did a whopper on it?

Her pain is way cuter than my pain, but you get the idea. Image: preventyourpanic.com

Her pain is way cuter than my pain, but you get the idea. Image: preventyourpanic.com

It is two days after my binge and my stomach is still screaming in pain at me (“Why the hell did you DO that?”) and I am still nauseated. And my appetite is still down – which should be a good thing, but which actually can be a trigger for someone with binge eating disorder.

I haven’t eaten since breakfast, it’s 2:00 pm and my stomach is still lurching and gurgling. My head is pounding. I feel tired, lethargic, and like a giant ball of dough.

I’d like to say “never again” but nobody with binge eating disorder can ever really say that. So for now I’ll just say: I have learned my lesson. For today, anyway.

An Observation: Feeling Sad About “Forgetting” to Eat

Now here’s something weird.

I have noticed that I try to eat more than I want to in fear of later “forgetting” that the leftovers are around, or that the food is in the cupboard.

My fear goes something like this: Oh no. I have to eat this NOW because if I forget to eat it later, I’ll never have that amazing, pleasurable experience of eating that food. It will be gone forever and I’ll never even know I missed it. An old friend will be gone, gone, gone and I will never, never see it again.

Now. My apologies to the sensitive (or at least semi-cultured) but…what the fuck?

First of all, does that “amazing experience” ever really happen? How often does one melt in practically orgasmic bliss over that bite of Hershey, like in the commercial? How many foods REALLY make us fall back onto the cushions, no longer able to support ourselves on our own for all the weak-legged, knock-down joy?

Oh for God's sake, lady. Change your pants.

Oh for God’s sake, lady. Change your pants.

And in fact, I already know most of the foods I feel this way about will NOT produce that experience…because I’ve eaten them many times in the past, and all that oh-wow-I-could-die-happy-right-now shit NEVER happens. It just doesn’t.

Perhaps the most important part of this (for me) is the unbearably sad feeling I get at the thought of not eating the food. As if an old friend were going away for good. As if someone I loved had just died.  I literally go on the verge of tears, and I’m not being melodramatic here.

Obviously this is something to look more closely at. For the record, this sad, depressed, panicked feeling pushes me to start meals before I’m hungry, too.

Hmmm.

Freud would have a field day.

Yeah. I Binged

So for the first time in over a week, I binged. This is actually pretty amazing for me; for the past year I have been unable to keep from binging every 2-3 days.

But I suppose I should think about what caused it.

1. Deciding to go gluten free and thinking, “Maybe that will get rid of excess water.” Yes. It is dieting. At least for me. I think that was the crushing blow that cascaded to all the next thoughts and actions.

2. Feeling like “I’ll always be fat.” Okay, so I’m doing the work, I’m eating until satisfied, I’ve read book after book, I even started a blog about the process but I’m STILL fat. What if I only lose a pound every two weeks? What if I never lose weight at all? What if I actually gain?

Which leads to…

3. Weighing. Yes, I’ve been weighing. Actually, every night and every morning. The other day I was all the way down to 210. I was doing the happy dance. Then tonight I was back up to 212. See #1 above, lather, rinse, repeat.

4. Listening to the undercurrents in the intuitive eating books I’ve been reading. The most recent two books I read, although outwardly stating one should eat whatever one wishes to one’s satisfaction level with mindful eating, were actually CHOCK FULL of both hinted-at and outright threats that if one “just eats junk,” one will remain fat. Restriction. Restriction. Restriction.

5. Hearing from others about how intuitive eating couldn’t possibly work, and wanting to prove them wrong. I’ve been hearing from people both on this blog and in the real world about how I’m doomed to fail. In response, I defiantly want to “show them.” That means I have to register a weight loss. Publicly. Pressure and more pressure.

6. Looking at myself in the mirror, and “feeling myself” there. I just feel fat and that makes me feel worse overall.

So, white flag – raised by myself, to myself. I WILL NOT weigh. I WILL honor my hunger in these early stages, and even the weird foods I choose. I WILL NOT expect a reduced appetite right away. I WILL NOT feel I was “good” when I somehow ate less at a meal, and feel I was “bad” when I’ve eaten more.

I want to feel normal. That should be my goal. That should be everyone’s goal, in my opinion. Not “normal” as in status quo. “Normal” as in, when I’m hungry, I eat. When I’m not hungry, I don’t bother to eat. Period.

How to Become Naturally Thin: I’m Confused

So I’m just about finished with How to Become Naturally Thin By Eating More, and confusion has set in.

That can't possibly be what you REALLY want...oh no, wait. Giant white-bread sandwiches are on Antonello's "Real Foods" list. Just so long as it isn't the evil "Pleasure Food," yogurt...I'm confused.

That can’t possibly be what you REALLY want…oh no, wait. Giant white-bread sandwiches are on Antonello’s “Real Foods” list. Watch out for the very unhealthy yogurt choice, though. I’m…confused.

First of all, the author starts out great guns about how we can trust our bodies to know what they want and need; then she proceeds to fill the rest of the book with hints, nudges and outright insistence that we don’t actually know.

How do you know? Well, you ask yourself continuous questions that lead you away from trusting yourself. (Paraphrasing alert…) “What do you REALLY want? Are you SURE you want that candy bar? Huh huh huh? No normal body could possibly really want a candy bar. Don’t you want a roast beef sandwich?” No, I want a fucking candy bar, so NOW what do I do?

Enter (Grim_Music_Here) “Pleasure Foods”

Well, the author’s answer to that is to go ahead and have the candy bar, which is just a PLEASURE food (this phrase will take on the emotional tones of “kitten-killing Nazi” by the time you finish the book, I promise you) if you really, really must have it. But no more than once a month at most, she later says (on p. 184)…after having made damned sure you’re going to feel like the shit on a rhino’s heel for doing so.

But go ahead and eat it. No, really. You’ll never become naturally thin that way and you’ll remain eating disordered and just generally fucked up on top of being fat and you’ll definitely be lying to yourself because there can be no other possibility, but…sure. You can. I know because Antonello said so.

What Happened to the Trusting My Own Body Part?

How exactly is this “trusting your own body” or “owning your own diet”? “My body says I should grab X…but no, that couldn’t possibly be it because it isn’t on Jean Antonello’s Real Foods list, so what do I REALLY want? No…couldn’t be Y either because Y has peanut butter, a ‘perfect food,’ but it does have some sugar in it…could it be Z? Even though it has no protein? BINGO, I must REALLY want a bagel loaded with butter!”

Whew! You narrowly missed eating something unhealthy like sweetened yogurt instead. (/wiping brow with relief)

Um…

And Let’s Pass All This On to the Children While We’re At It

She even does this to her own child. She gives a description of the little boy being tired and crying for candy. Okay, so she has a point there, and every parent knows it. But immediately she starts jerking the boy around. Why? Because deep inside, it’s obvious Ms. Antonello does not believe in her own eating plan and the body’s naturally good choices. Therefore, she does exactly what she claims she’s shocked by most parents doing: she manipulates the hell out of the boy around to the choices she has already made for him (in this case, a banana and orange juice)…but she does it in a psych-enough type way that she doesn’t think she’s doing it.

She doesn’t trust her son to do well with intuitive eating without her extreme interference.

And she doesn’t trust me to do so, either. Or you.

I did get some great tips out of Naturally Thin, but overall I felt pushed, manipulated and jerked one way and another constantly by this author’s insinuations about how I am “totally allowed to own” my own diet…well, unless it’s pure crap, as judged by Antonello’s very questionable “nutritional” standards.

“Real” Foods

So what are “Real Foods”? Hold onto your hat: the author describes peanut butter and jelly as the perfect “Real Foods” meal. White rice is there and so is white bread.

Yogurt is NOT a “Real Food” if it contains sweetener. It’s apparently less healthy than the peanut butter and jelly sandwich on WHITE BREAD. Huh?

But, oh, wait. Cereal is a “real food” too…well, until later in the book when, if it’s sweetened with anything (for the love of God have you ever eaten no-sugar-added oatmeal? It’s like wallpaper paste) it becomes a “Pleasure Food.”

The rules keep changing with this author, but no matter what they change to, that’s where you’re supposed to follow – making the whole thing creepily reminiscent of the common brainwashing technique of constantly changing the rules until the victim begins to follow them no matter how nonsensical or counterintuitive they become. She peppers in plenty of veiled threats about what a huge ugly old donkey you’ll become if you don’t do what she’s saying in a given chapter. Voila – you’re following something. But what? And is any of it actually making you healthier?

Sorry…Wouldn’t Recommend It

Despite what I did get from this book, I would not advise it as a starting-point to Intuitive Eating.

We’ll see what Geneen Roth has to say next; I have a book of hers on order. Meanwhile I’m still eating and feeling good. I’ll have a weight update this Friday.

Lunch at Mauricio’s

Where you BEEN?

Where you BEEN?

So I admit it: we’re addicted to Mauricio’s Mexican Food and Pizza (yes, really) in Glendora. It’s in our own home town, the atmosphere is friendly, the food is amazing and Maurico is a real character, well-known for his greeting of “Where you been?” and his exit line, “See you tomorrow!”

I had a tamale, a couple forkfuls of rice (C, age 10, ate most of mine – he’s a rice fanatic) and a couple forkfuls of beans. Delicious. I’m pleasantly full and quite content.

And yes, the kids had pizza. You may or may not believe this, but the pizza at this Mexican restaurant isn’t just passably good, it rivals pizza from Italian places in the area. Of course, SoCal isn’t exactly known for its Italian (except in L.A. proper, which we aren’t), so that may not seem to be saying much. But day-um. GOOD pizza. I didn’t have any…just wasn’t in a pizza mood. 😉

Happy weekend and good eating, everybody!

“Grown-Ups Don’t Eat Cereal.”

I was sitting at the computer this morning, checking my stats and having some Raisin Bran.

In non-eating-disorder families, adults do eat cereal if that's what they're hungry for.

In non-eating-disorder families, adults do eat cereal if they want it, and they eat until they’re full. Image: stewickie

My youngest son, E, age seven, came up to me and asked, “What are you eating?”

“Cereal,” I said.

He burst out laughing. “That’s funny! Grown-ups don’t eat cereal.”

I looked at him in confusion. “Of course grown-ups eat cereal.” But then I thought about it. Through my many anti-carb diets, my starvation diets and my never-ever-ever-ever-eat-breakfast diets, he probably hasn’t ever seen me eat cereal.

What a mixed-up eating world it is when a kid thinks an adult eating cereal is the height of upside-down humor.

A Friend’s Comment, An Overeat and One Week Weigh-in

So yesterday was a lot of fun. I went to the kids’ Halloween parade at school, took them trick-or-treating in Glendora Village after school and then when night came, we trick-or-treated in our neighborhood. I am BUSHED! But it’s a “happy tired.”

It's not the end of your life...and it's not the beginning of it, either. It's just one more day and one more meal. Make it a happy one. mashable.com

It’s not the end of your life…and it’s not the beginning of it, either. It’s just one more day and one more meal. Make it a happy one.

Yesterday a friend of mine posted a picture of herself dressed as a gypsy, complete with a crystal ball. She looked terrific and I told her so. Then I joked, “I hope you’re predicting that I’m going to lose weight and win the lottery.” Her answer was that “money can’t buy happiness” and that it was within MY power to change my weight.

By the way, my friend is skinny and beautiful.

Okay, okay, I know. What kind of response was I expecting? Such comments make people uncomfortable. So I can’t really blame her for her response. It was what she came up with at the time. But I was crushed. It triggered me, and badly. I began ruminating…Maybe she’s right. I have NO control. Only I got myself this fat. I should be DOING something. Why am I not DOING something? What the hell am I thinking with all this “intuitive eating” stuff? She’s right, it can never work. I’ll be fat forever. I hate myself, I hate myself…

Then, although this was technically nowhere near a typical binge for me, I had two bowls of pasta salad and a king-size Hershey’s chocolate bar.

Naturally I felt like pure ca-ca this morning about myself. I weighed anyway…and to my surprise, I hadn’t gained a pound. I hadn’t lost any weight (see results below), but I hadn’t gained any weight either.

Considering that a typical binge for me has me up three pounds the following day (weight of the food/water weight), I was pretty damned amazed.

So here we go…

Weight Results: Week One of Intuitive Eating

I started off the week at 212 and I was 211.6 this morning. Obviously I don’t consider that a real loss. But I do know that if/when loss comes, it will be verrrrrrrrry slow this way. I am proud of myself for staying the same my very first week of intuitive eating, although I know technically it’s counterproductive to be proud of weight (just as it’s counterproductive to hate oneself based on a gain).

All in all: not a bad learning week. On to Week Two and hopefully, a bunch of happy, mindful, nutritious eating that my body loves.

Happy Halloween!

Look at my precious boys. Everyone should love each other this much, all the time.

Look at my precious boys. Everyone should love each other this much, all the time.

Halloween is my favorite holiday and so far we’re celebrating it to the hilt! Everyone have a wonderful, delicious, spooky day.

I’m feeling much better about my eating and myself today. Just going to fill up and not worry about it. It seems like I was doing better before I tried to make things “more healthy.” I’m so new to intuitive eating and I’m rushing myself through the steps. I need to take a deep breath and slow down. It will come.

Everyone have a wonderful Halloween!