Weird revelation: I’ve been finding myself hoping to get hungry again in a hurry after dinner. I watch the clock anxiously, wondering when the hunger will kick in, hoping it will.
I’ve always been a “night eater” (well, ever since I was old enough to sneak food) and I think there are several reasons. One was that night was simply the easiest time to sneak. Another was probably that I would skip breakfast so I could have a “bigger” lunch but I would be progressively hungrier throughout the day until finally, at night, I couldn’t hold in the feeling any more. And another is that whenever I’ve binged, generally, it’s started at night (following a restrictive, hungry day).
I think I’m “hoping” for night hunger (and not even realizing that’s what I’ve been doing) since I started IEing again because I have that fear of “there will never be more food, got to get it at night.” Most likely, that’s connected to “last suppers” (the binge the night before the next really restrictive diet), as well as skipping breakfast and having skimpy lunches that I pretended were normal size but were very obviously restrictive, which meant that as of dinnertime, I couldn’t look forward to REALLY eating again until the following evening…24 hours of near-starvation (or it felt like it) hunger.
So for now, I’m honoring it, though not bingeing. I want to convince both my body and my brain that there IS food there if I want it. I CAN have it. I hope, in time, this will mean I won’t need it any more…well, unless I’m honestly hungry.