A Lightbulb Moment

I read this interesting post today and it gave me a revelation, based on my childhood.

This could have been me - forced to sit at the table crying because I "hadn't eaten enough," then being starved in between. Image: our-life-is-a-blast.blogspot.com

This could have been me – forced to sit at the table crying because I “hadn’t eaten enough,” then being starved in between. Image: our-life-is-a-blast.blogspot.com

I won’t rewrite the entire thought process here, as it was very painful to do the first time, but here’s a copy-and-paste of my response to the post:

This may sound weird coming from a now-210 pound woman, but ever since I can remember I had early satiety (I just didn’t know it was called that – just found out this minute, actually).

As a child I simply couldn’t eat more than a few bites of food at a time. My mother would force-feed me (sometimes literally – I clearly remember my father gripping my hair back and forcing me to gulp down a glass of milk until I vomited, for example).

Then I’d be hungry between mealtimes and I would be refused food so I could “save it up for dinner” – at which time I still couldn’t eat more than a few bites. I just starved in between, and starved overall. I didn’t grow (at all – height or weight) for two years in a row as a child, actually. I think I was malnourished.

When I began eating “for pleasure” I would force more food in so that I could continue the feeling. I turned into a dieter/binger and was very thin until about 10 years ago, when I ballooned.

I seem to have taught myself NOT to know what a feeling of fullness is…and now that I’m attempting intuitive eating I find I try to put more food in anyway (just like with binging) because I have a vague feeling that “I don’t know when I’ll get another bite.”

Lightbulb moment.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s