So for the first time in over a week, I binged. This is actually pretty amazing for me; for the past year I have been unable to keep from binging every 2-3 days.
But I suppose I should think about what caused it.
1. Deciding to go gluten free and thinking, “Maybe that will get rid of excess water.” Yes. It is dieting. At least for me. I think that was the crushing blow that cascaded to all the next thoughts and actions.
2. Feeling like “I’ll always be fat.” Okay, so I’m doing the work, I’m eating until satisfied, I’ve read book after book, I even started a blog about the process but I’m STILL fat. What if I only lose a pound every two weeks? What if I never lose weight at all? What if I actually gain?
Which leads to…
3. Weighing. Yes, I’ve been weighing. Actually, every night and every morning. The other day I was all the way down to 210. I was doing the happy dance. Then tonight I was back up to 212. See #1 above, lather, rinse, repeat.
4. Listening to the undercurrents in the intuitive eating books I’ve been reading. The most recent two books I read, although outwardly stating one should eat whatever one wishes to one’s satisfaction level with mindful eating, were actually CHOCK FULL of both hinted-at and outright threats that if one “just eats junk,” one will remain fat. Restriction. Restriction. Restriction.
5. Hearing from others about how intuitive eating couldn’t possibly work, and wanting to prove them wrong. I’ve been hearing from people both on this blog and in the real world about how I’m doomed to fail. In response, I defiantly want to “show them.” That means I have to register a weight loss. Publicly. Pressure and more pressure.
6. Looking at myself in the mirror, and “feeling myself” there. I just feel fat and that makes me feel worse overall.
So, white flag – raised by myself, to myself. I WILL NOT weigh. I WILL honor my hunger in these early stages, and even the weird foods I choose. I WILL NOT expect a reduced appetite right away. I WILL NOT feel I was “good” when I somehow ate less at a meal, and feel I was “bad” when I’ve eaten more.
I want to feel normal. That should be my goal. That should be everyone’s goal, in my opinion. Not “normal” as in status quo. “Normal” as in, when I’m hungry, I eat. When I’m not hungry, I don’t bother to eat. Period.