Hungry But Not


It's empty but it's not. Conversely, my stomach is full, but it's not. How very...tao. What is the sound of one eating disorder activating?

It’s empty but it’s not. Conversely, my stomach is full, but it’s not. How very…Zen.

So I just had lunch: pasta and tuna salad. Yum! It’s the 70s all over again (this was a very common lunch for us in the 70s, especially in the summer – and it’s always summer in Southern California).

I had a fairly good-size but not huge portion of my pasta salad. Then I realized my stomach felt full, in fact very full.

But interestingly, although I am sitting here feeling full and physically satisfied, my emotions are screaming, “No! I want more! I need more!”

But more of what? Taste, flavor? “More” as in a longer time chewing? My stomach definitely doesn’t need more. So what is this thing?

What I Would Have Done as a Dieter

Now…as a dieter (oh, excuse me, the vogue is to no longer call them diets, they’re “ways of eating” now – ways of eating that just happen to involve not eating when you’re hungry, eating when you’re not hungry and winding up fat fat FATTER THAN HELL), I’d have already eaten the pre-approved food in the pre-approved amount.

Fully knowing I was going to want more at the end of it, I’d have left a little pocket of calories (or carbs) for one more bite of something acceptable. And I’d have just shoveled that something in.

What I’m Doing Now

Instead I’m going to go with this feeling, maybe explore it a little. It’s obviously either psychological (duh) or physiological due to the “eat more, eat more, eat more” properties of processed carbs. Or it could be both. But the crazy Freudophile I am, I’m leaning toward psychological.

If anything happens (I eat anyway, I don’t eat and celebrate a huge “non-diet” victory, the Big One finally hits and the house disappears into a gaping, roaring maw in the earth) I’ll report back.


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