Night Eating

clock five minutes to midnight 5

Weird revelation: I’ve been finding myself hoping to get hungry again in a hurry after dinner. I watch the clock anxiously, wondering when the hunger will kick in, hoping it will.

I’ve always been a “night eater” (well, ever since I was old enough to sneak food) and I think there are several reasons. One was that night was simply the easiest time to sneak. Another was probably that I would skip breakfast so I could have a “bigger” lunch but I would be progressively hungrier throughout the day until finally, at night, I couldn’t hold in the feeling any more. And another is that whenever I’ve binged, generally, it’s started at night (following a restrictive, hungry day).

I think I’m “hoping” for night hunger (and not even realizing that’s what I’ve been doing) since I started IEing again because I have that fear of “there will never be more food, got to get it at night.” Most likely, that’s connected to “last suppers” (the binge the night before the next really restrictive diet), as well as skipping breakfast and having skimpy lunches that I pretended were normal size but were very obviously restrictive, which meant that as of dinnertime, I couldn’t look forward to REALLY eating again until the following evening…24 hours of near-starvation (or it felt like it) hunger.

So for now, I’m honoring it, though not bingeing. I want to convince both my body and my brain that there IS food there if I want it. I CAN have it. I hope, in time, this will mean I won’t need it any more…well, unless I’m honestly hungry.

 

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You Like Me. You Really Like Me

Sally Field You Like MeOr maybe not. Maybe you’re just bored.

Whatever the case, I peeked back on here for the first time since 2013 (yes, really) and saw (gasp!) stats.

Who’s looking at this blog?

Come out, come out wherever you are!

Come out and eat with me. Because – that’s right – I’ve decided to give intuitive eating another try.

So far so good. I’m feeling amazing. I am trying hard to NOT diet…no matter what. During my previous attempt, I was secretly counting calories in my head…trying to not feel hungry because without a deficit, how would I lose weight…and so on. It’s different this time (I hope). I am literally trying to act – and eat – as if I don’t have a single pound to lose.

Let’s see how things go. I do know I woke up this morning and didn’t want to immediately go back to sleep. Hello again, energy! I have missed you. Had a GF waffle with syrup, an egg, a bite of apple and a couple of almonds. It was delicious. Lunch: peanut butter and jelly. Cooling in the fridge right now to semi-hardness (don’t ask, I’m weird).

So…I’m baaaaaaaaack! How are you? Speak up. I won’t judge. Given what an utter freak I am, that is just not possible. So drop me a line and say Hey.

Next post: Two books I recently read…and whether they did me any good, or fell flat as piss on a plate. You won’t want to miss it, I promise you!

Thyroid, Gluten-Free, et. al.

Well, folks. What has Mel been up to?

I know how ya feel, hon. Well, except you're still sitting up.

I know how ya feel, hon. Well, except you’re still sitting up.

Promising herself she wouldn’t weigh, weighing anyway, getting discouraged, trying to restrict, binging.

You know…all the things you’re NOT supposed to do if you’re practicing intuitive eating.

What else have I been doing? Sleeping. I haven’t mentioned this very much in this blog, but I have Hashimoto’s thyroidism (underactive thyroid due to an autoimmune issue; my body is attacking my thyroid tissue…hey, that rhymes, yar har, cough, oh never mind). I have been feeling quite badly since last October. I had my TSH checked in February, and it was within normal range (1.8…not great, but it shouldn’t have been kicking my ass so badly).

After that, I was confused…and disheartened. I decided to just try to live with always being tired. I’d complete a chore, sit down, complete another chore, lie down, finish the next chore, take a nap. And I’m not talking happy, lazy little naps here, either. I’m talking sobbing, I’m-dying, my-hands-are-too-heavy-to-lift tired.

Finally, the other week, I’d had enough and I had my TSH checked again. 4.9. Not good at all. I cried and begged my doctor for an increase in my Levothyroxine and she boosted me from 75mcg to 88mcg.

This is sort of it. Except this thyroid works.

This is sort of it. Except this thyroid works.

A few days later, I had bad thoughts. Very very bad thoughts. Thoughts like: Why am I alive if this is my life? I’m not living. I’m in a waking coma. I’d be better off dead.

So I called the doctor again.

She FINALLY (holy Jeebus, I can’t believe it) agreed to “more blood tests,” which I assume (or hope) mean T-3, reverse T3, T4 and all that. She sent my lab slip in the mail and I am waiting on pins and needles for this thing to come. I NEED help. Right now.

Meanwhile, I was reading up on autoimmune thyroiditis and the gluten-free topic came up again. I’ve dabbled with the idea before, but never for very long.

But the science seems compelling. So once again, I’m trying gluten-free. I lost a ton picNoWheatof water yesterday; I was up every 45 minutes last night to pee. Has to be a good sign, right?

Meanwhile, I’m back to taking my Vitamin D, too. It’s all fuzzy right now, but it seems to me that I stopped taking it last summer-ish. That would make sense timing-wise for feeling shitty beginning in October (and the extreme weight gain I experienced starting then – 30 lbs. by January). Why did I stop taking it? I have no clue. But since I’m generally D deficient, I believe it’s possible that stopping the D has been part of the problem.

Wish me luck, folks.

And yes, I’m back to intuitive eating.

Binge

Yeah.

I was thinking about the water weight from the Chinese and worrying “I will never be down this coming Friday”…and I was thinking about the family gathering and thinking “I will never look even normal by Christmas…” and…and…and.

On to a new day.

 

Don’t Worry: You Will Get Hungry

picBabyWatermelon

You knew then and you’ll know now.

At the outset, this discussion may seem weird. But then again, perhaps it won’t, at least to some people, because I’ve actually seen it mentioned in two separate intuitive eating books so far.

Some of us, when we begin intuitive eating, have a fear that if we wait until we’re truly hungry to eat, that hunger will never happen. We’ll never “feel it.” We’re so out of touch with our body’s signals that perhaps we’ll never truly know.

It just won’t happen, we’ll go all day without food and we won’t be experiencing, in that time, the joy of something that tastes good.

I am the poster child for this kind of fear. Added to it is my fear that maybe I’ll “really” be hungry somewhere in there but won’t know it and therefore, eventually my body will be STARVING so I’ll eat until I throw up.

And then of course there are all the admonitions to “never get too hungry” – even on calorie-restrictive diets (ironically) – and the generally accepted guidline to eat every 3-4 hours in order to “keep up our metabolism” to put into the worry-pot.

Well, today I wasn’t hungry after lunch. I just wasn’t. In fact, the thought of eating was making me sick.

Hours went by. Evening fell. My husband produced a marvelous dinner of spaghetti and long-cooked sausages. Mmmmmmm. Could I eat a bite? No.

So I waited. Full-on dark came. The Walking Dead showed, and was over. Bedtime for my children neared.

I still wasn’t hungry.

Many times during the afternoon/evening, the fears I’ve related above came and went. But damn it, I was NOT going to eat until I was hungry. Not this time.

At last, it was 8:45. It had been seven hours and 15 minutes since I’d last eaten. I had had a stomach growl or two in the previous half hour, but no “I want to eat now” thought or feeling attached to it. At 8:45 that “I want to eat it now” feeling came.

And I ate, and it was fantastic. Delicious.

You will get hungry. I can tell you that I am someone who has been out of touch with her body literally since birth, when my mother twisted and turned my feeding schedule to fit what she thought was best and then alternately force-fed me and starved me from toddlerhood on. I have lived my entire 46 years not knowing when I was hungry and when I wasn’t.

But tonight, I waited, and I knew.

It was worth the wait.

What Sucks About Intuitive Eating

So this morning I had a breakfast burrito, and this afternoon I had tuna salad on a bagel. Right now it’s almost 7pm and I am not hungry at all.

Stop eating my fucking Birthday Blast ice cream! Jesus! Fuck.

Stop eating my fucking Birthday Blast ice cream! Jesus Christ! This sucks.

In fact, I feel so full that I literally feel nauseated at the thought of eating anything. I think right now if someone sat me in front of a plate of food and put a gun to my head, I couldn’t eat it (the food I mean, not the gun – well, I guess I couldn’t eat either).

I might get hungry tonight and I might not. I may only be hungry again tomorrow. Either way I know what I want: spaghetti and sausage, which my husband made for dinner tonight, and a scoop of Birthday Blast ice cream.

So here’s what I had to do. I put aside a plate of spaghetti and sausage for myself and instructed my husband that it is for me, whenever I want it, whether it’s tonight or not. That’s still no assurance that it won’t get eaten, and now I have to worry about that.

And then I saw my husband dishing out my Birthday Blast to our son – even though they have two other unopened half-gallons of the ice cream they specifically asked me to buy for them! So there are no guarantees that will still be there either.

And the worst (the best?) of it is…I so extremely UNhungry that even the trigger of thinking it may all be taken away from me can’t overcome the absolute feeling of BLEAH of putting any more food into my stomach right now.

Of course, all that means is that I’ll have to cook up my own spaghetti and sausage tomorrow (simple to do) and buy more Birthday Blast (Stater Bros. had plenty of it yesterday, there will still be more). But it’s an inconvenience.

There are things about intuitive eating that suck. They’re just not what you think they are.

Chinese Food: a Learning Experience

Well, folks. I haven’t had Chinese food in about eight years. Seriously. And I used to live on the stuff (ironically, when I was very thin – then again, at that time I’d binge on Chinese, then restrict to 800-1000 calories max for the next six or seven days).

So today, out of the blue, my husband suggested Chinese.

Oh, all right. Just one more spring roll.

Oh, all right. Just one more spring roll.

It was good, though not as good as my memory was telling me it should be. I had a small spring roll, a little rice, sweet and sour chicken and a forkful each of chicken fried rice and pork lo mein.

And let me tell you. I feel TERRIBLE. This just sucks. I don’t remember feeling this horribly bloated and practically dizzy from Chinese food – though in my earlier, Chinese-inclusive days, I was pretty much dizzy all the time from lack of food in general.

My stomach is sticking out much farther than it ought to given the total amount that I ate, which actually wasn’t all that much; it was nowhere near what I’d eat at a restaurant in my diet days, certainly. I didn’t even eat half my plate.

Yet I didn’t feel like this in the old days…or I don’t think I did. Was I simply used to it? Was the haziness of the binge blurring my physical feelings? Was it simply the MSG? I don’t know.

I feel like I’m about to burst. It’s a terrible feeling. I feel like I’ve just binged…without actually having binged.

Let’s chalk it up to a learning experience.